Party Hard

Dear Readers, do not attempt unscheduled parties at university without first consulting these guidelines. I am a trained professional who as seen my way through many mistakes within my lifetime. This segment is so you may learn from these mistakes to better prepare yourself from the life you will be living over the next estimated four years.

A quote that will forever be engraved into my mind, which happens to be one of very few things I remember from FROSH week, went something like this. “Shark Week is seven days long on Discovery. But the day before they play shows all about sharks. As you will soon discover, FROSH mirrors this eight-day tradition. So my little Sonics, (our FROSH team) make every week like Shark Week”. Words I will live by for the rest of my life.

But let’s get down to business. You’re staring down FROSH in the face. Albeit blurry, and there may be two, but none the less ‘trying’ your best to stare it down. The next eight days, from Sunday to Sunday will define who you are for the rest of your university career.

Rule one: Make a party. Not find a party. I mean be the person who either has the knowledge of a party, or the one who creates a party. Now always remember, you’re here to learn. So don’t make your room the party room, this won’t pan out positively later on. My number one career-ending mistake during FROSH was to gather a bunch of drunk and eager first years to find a party, and failing to provide one.

Rule two: Define a party. And I say define because you will be constantly fighting a battle against your less-than-able-to-make-great-decisions other half. It’s FROSH, whether you decide to experiment with alcohol or not, your decisions will be impaired. So keep telling yourself: a get-together is eight close friends, a party is 20 well-selected, male to female ratio-conscious individuals. A mob is 50 drunk first years lead by a single second year who has deemed himself Moses (But enough about my life). So keep your parties simple and keep them under thirty people.

Rule three: And I cannot stress this enough. Tactics, tactics, tactics. Remember, if you want to be the person who hosts the party then you need to have a few tricks up your sleeves. Party on the first floor, and party near a window. This way you can easily see if Residence Security is approaching so you can hide the bottles and turn down the music. Party in a room and not in the common area. Residence rooms are very soundproof and they are designed this way for a reason. This reason is still unclear; it might have something to do with studying, but for now it’s purpose does not exceed the masking of loud music and shouting. Have a speaker system with a remote, no explanation necessary. Make friends with your Residence Floor Advisor. They’re people too, invite them. But invite them on a night they have to patrol on, so you can step up the intensity of the party after they leave without worry.

Rule four: Mingle! Parties can be gateways for many things. Meeting potential love interests, establishing reputations, but most importantly they are for you to have fun. The most intense party I have ever found myself in was in Penticton, British Columbia. Unfortunately, not a residence party, but it did consist of a few hundred university burn-outs who at the time all worked on the same ski hill. This party was one for the history books simply because (I found this out later) I had made it my duty to meet everyone at the party. I spent my night learning every person’s name and their relation to my brother, who also worked at the ski hill. And I can tell you by personal experience that the most rewarding feeling is waking up after a party only to find very many Facebook friend invites. Mingle! Trust me.

Rule five: Network your friends. It may sound cruel, but you’re at university with one thing in mind, the future. So here’s what you do. Acquire friends at parties with the following majors: political science, engineering, criminal law, journalism, business and finances, and English. In the future you will thus have a support system of person-who-gets-you-out-of-big-trouble, handyman, lawyer, free newspapers, accountant and finally a best friend.

Rule six: The most important rule to know, but the most frequently broken. Control your alcohol consumption. I cannot express how valuable alcoholic self-control is. As guys will soon find out, liquor will soon be their worst enemy if they’re looking for a female companion. And ladies, you will soon find out liquor will be your worst enemy if your not looking for a male companion. FROSH and parties are not all about drinking; they are about the aforementioned rules and examples.
So Dear Readers, make every week like it’s shark week. Learn from my mistakes. So hopefully you won’t end up at a random party, broom in hand, shouting “part the seas” whenever you find yourself in a bathroom. But you’ll hear more about my life next segment.

Until next time.