Floorcest

Floorcest (‘floor-,sest’): The Urban Dictionary describes it as follows:

1. Sexual relations between two people who live on the same floor. Typically used in the context of college dorms. Generally frowned upon.

2. Sexual activity with those on your residence floor in a college dorm. Often leads to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend living on your floor that you may or may not run into when you want to least (ie. drunk at 3am sick on the way to the bathroom)

Dear readers, I bring to your attention the biggest mistake you can ever make in your university career. This atrocity I speak of…is committing floorcest. Your residence career should be filled with fun, excitement, friendships, studying, peaceful environments to a certain extent, and sufficiently well planned bad mistakes. It should not hinder your ability to safely navigate your residence floor without being spotted by an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or be seen in a compromising situation by the person you shared your deepest feelings with…then dumped.

Now this isn’t to say that your committing of floorcest led to a breakup of any kind, but then you have committed the second biggest mistake of your university career, getting into a relationship. That is for another discussion however. But for the remainder of this article, where you learn from my mistakes, suppose dumping had occurred and now you are stuck with an ex on the floor.

Now readers I must be completely honest with you. I have never committed floorcest to my knowledge, second year pending. But I draw from the unfortunate high-level experience of my floor and roommates.

Now, floorcest can be committed three different ways:

1. The One Nighter – Although most people would agree that the usual suspect of the one nighter would most likely be the popped-collar, fake tan, Aviator-wearing, muscle-bound, D-bag living loudly on your floor. Unfortunately, you are 50% correct. Every type of person can commit floorcest. Don’t think your exclusive. This type refers to the drunken one night stand, which occurs when two floor mates find themselves without partners from other floors or random locations. Symptoms include: feeling things for someone who you had zero interest in before, but for some reason they are getting more attractive by the second. Consequences include: counting this person out of being a friend, avoiding awkward small talk and eye contact in the hall as well as avoidance during parties. You will soon find you are spending more time away from Residence; this may not be a good idea for us poor students.

2. The Seasons Pass: And yes it does seem to be one season access only. For all-access pass see relationship. This is the, if you can call it a relationship, where two or more floor mates decide that searching for random partners and wasting valuable wooing time could be better spent with an already pre-determined ‘hook-up’. Unfortunately this will eventually decrease your time partying, decrease your Facebook friend-invites in the morning, decrease your motivation and increase your misplaced attachment to the significant other. These are not real relationships. They are business arrangements. They will eventually sizzle out and leave you with a very awkward feeling that you will get when you see the significant other and realize you can probably remember every detail about them with the lights off.

3. The Budding Relationship: It’s like looking up the word dictionary in the dictionary; you realize ahead of time that the outcome will probably not be as cool as you think.

The avoidance of floorcest is a very simple task, but requires a lot of self-restraint and will power. And even though most of this article consists of list, here is one for avoiding floorcest.
- Meet people from other floors and invite yourself to their parties
- Go to at least one keg-related or off-campus party and make friends all around
- Avoid seductive body language when first meeting your floor mates of the opposite gender
- For the guys: it’s a scientific fact that the female gender releases Oxytocin (a love-bonding sexual hormone) after being hugged for more than 20 seconds. Avoid hugging your floor mates for this length of time and floorcest will never be possible
- For the ladies: don’t talk to us, don’t look at us, don’t make any kind of arm movements around us because we will think you want us to have sex with you. Were very simply creatures, letting us know ahead of time that committing floorcest is a sin in your book, is a great way for us to abandon hope and move on.
- Avoid one-on-one situations. Were all adults, right, we can have one female and one male in a room without either one of them thinking about relationships, right? Wrong. There is no such thing as a real male/female friends-only relationship, so don’t test it.

Now like I said, I have had no personal experience with committing floorcest, but I do like to think I have a pretty good (based on quality and quantity of stories) understanding of how things work. I just want it understood that floorcest works like this: it will probably happen. Try your best to avoid it, but if it does then be prepared for your floor to become your hell and your parties to be by invitation only from now on.

Dear Readers, learn from my mistakes and avoid floorcest.

Until next time,