Dear Readers,
I'd like to change up my format a little bit and start adding more personalized posts to better depict the events of my life and what actually leads to these mistakes that I make.
So I hope you enjoy my personal posts and feel free to comment with a few stories of your own.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Pranks!
Dear Readers, planning the perfect prank is a craft that only a few possess. Usually these pranksters are simple folk. The quiet ones of the party who you thought would never hurt a fly. And then someone yells “Prank Time!” and before you know it, they have coerced you into burning down half a building in the name of a perfectly planned prank. I’m just kidding, that would be a terrible planned prank; fake fire alarms are so much more exciting.
One of the most perfectly planned series of pranks I orchestrated with a few roommates of mine happened in my first year on April Fool’s Day. It all began the morning of the infamous prank day, at 1am. It began with a few decoy pranks on the floors above and below our own. These are a few of my favourite that we executed perfectly.
1.) The Leaner: A very simple prank for beginners. Grab a garbage bin, a nice plastic one. You can use the ones in your room, but a bigger one is more desired. Fill it to the brim with water in the communal showers. At this point you can either put a dozen raw eggs in it, or pee in it, but these are optional. I only add the raw eggs for people I hate (they never come out of the carpet). Now take the elevator to a random floor and peak your head out. Make sure no one is around and carry it out and lean it up against a door at a 45-degree angle. Then knock loudly and RUN, RUN, RUN! Open, splash, scream, instant prank success.
2.) The Minty Fresh Device: This requires two things. An entire roll of Mentos, at least four, and an entire 2L bottle of Diet Coke. First off, get some tape and take off the lid of the Coke bottle. Tape the four Mentos into the lid so it can still be refastened to the bottle. Make the tape lose enough that it will come apart when shaken. Go to a random floor, shake bottle well with enclosed Mentos and get the hell out of there. Fizzle, KA-BOOM, annoying 2am wakeup call, instant prank success.
3.) The Close Shave: This is my personal favourite, but obviously not one of my well planned ones. It’s just a simple little, hilarious prank. Step 1 – get shaving cream, step 2 – get envelope, step 3 – fill envelope with shaving cream and slide open end under a door, step 4 – stomp on said full envelope. Stomp, Wooosh, Ewwwww, giant mess, instant prank success.
After these decoy pranks have been accomplished it’s time for your big idea. I hope you take inspiration from my own. Here’s how it went.
Stage 1: 4am – as everyone is sleeping, take the 150 feet of rope we bought and tie every door to the one across the hall from it, in a criss-cross pattern all down the hall.
Stage 2: 5am – find the circuit breaker for your floor, they are usually located at the end of the hall in the storage room behind the door. Flick off all the switches and kill the power to all the fridges, clocks, computers and lights throughout the floor.
Stage 3: 6am – Attempt at your own risk!!! Pull the fire alarm, shout FIRE! down the hall several times and watch as people scramble in the dark to try and get out of their locked-from-the-outside-doors thinking they might die. LOL. But seriously, attempt at your own risk. For an alternative, we just waited for a day when everyone had midterms early the next day, which was coincidentally April Fool’s Day. No one got up before 11am the next day. Kill power, remove ability to get out of the room for their midterms, not happy campers, instant prank success.
How to avoid getting pranked: Don’t be a douche to people, keep an eye out for the above pranks, and don’t let people know that you’ve pranked them or you become target number one. And Dear Readers, I cannot stress this enough! Look outside the peepholes in your doors in case of ‘leaners’. They are the worst things to have to clean up.
The best advice I can give you…find a master prank planner, or become one by searching pranks online and combining them all. Plan them out to the second and plan for everything that can go wrong. And have fun because pranks are one of the best parts of living in residence.
Until next time.
One of the most perfectly planned series of pranks I orchestrated with a few roommates of mine happened in my first year on April Fool’s Day. It all began the morning of the infamous prank day, at 1am. It began with a few decoy pranks on the floors above and below our own. These are a few of my favourite that we executed perfectly.
1.) The Leaner: A very simple prank for beginners. Grab a garbage bin, a nice plastic one. You can use the ones in your room, but a bigger one is more desired. Fill it to the brim with water in the communal showers. At this point you can either put a dozen raw eggs in it, or pee in it, but these are optional. I only add the raw eggs for people I hate (they never come out of the carpet). Now take the elevator to a random floor and peak your head out. Make sure no one is around and carry it out and lean it up against a door at a 45-degree angle. Then knock loudly and RUN, RUN, RUN! Open, splash, scream, instant prank success.
2.) The Minty Fresh Device: This requires two things. An entire roll of Mentos, at least four, and an entire 2L bottle of Diet Coke. First off, get some tape and take off the lid of the Coke bottle. Tape the four Mentos into the lid so it can still be refastened to the bottle. Make the tape lose enough that it will come apart when shaken. Go to a random floor, shake bottle well with enclosed Mentos and get the hell out of there. Fizzle, KA-BOOM, annoying 2am wakeup call, instant prank success.
3.) The Close Shave: This is my personal favourite, but obviously not one of my well planned ones. It’s just a simple little, hilarious prank. Step 1 – get shaving cream, step 2 – get envelope, step 3 – fill envelope with shaving cream and slide open end under a door, step 4 – stomp on said full envelope. Stomp, Wooosh, Ewwwww, giant mess, instant prank success.
After these decoy pranks have been accomplished it’s time for your big idea. I hope you take inspiration from my own. Here’s how it went.
Stage 1: 4am – as everyone is sleeping, take the 150 feet of rope we bought and tie every door to the one across the hall from it, in a criss-cross pattern all down the hall.
Stage 2: 5am – find the circuit breaker for your floor, they are usually located at the end of the hall in the storage room behind the door. Flick off all the switches and kill the power to all the fridges, clocks, computers and lights throughout the floor.
Stage 3: 6am – Attempt at your own risk!!! Pull the fire alarm, shout FIRE! down the hall several times and watch as people scramble in the dark to try and get out of their locked-from-the-outside-doors thinking they might die. LOL. But seriously, attempt at your own risk. For an alternative, we just waited for a day when everyone had midterms early the next day, which was coincidentally April Fool’s Day. No one got up before 11am the next day. Kill power, remove ability to get out of the room for their midterms, not happy campers, instant prank success.
How to avoid getting pranked: Don’t be a douche to people, keep an eye out for the above pranks, and don’t let people know that you’ve pranked them or you become target number one. And Dear Readers, I cannot stress this enough! Look outside the peepholes in your doors in case of ‘leaners’. They are the worst things to have to clean up.
The best advice I can give you…find a master prank planner, or become one by searching pranks online and combining them all. Plan them out to the second and plan for everything that can go wrong. And have fun because pranks are one of the best parts of living in residence.
Until next time.
Floorcest
Floorcest (‘floor-,sest’): The Urban Dictionary describes it as follows:
1. Sexual relations between two people who live on the same floor. Typically used in the context of college dorms. Generally frowned upon.
2. Sexual activity with those on your residence floor in a college dorm. Often leads to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend living on your floor that you may or may not run into when you want to least (ie. drunk at 3am sick on the way to the bathroom)
Dear readers, I bring to your attention the biggest mistake you can ever make in your university career. This atrocity I speak of…is committing floorcest. Your residence career should be filled with fun, excitement, friendships, studying, peaceful environments to a certain extent, and sufficiently well planned bad mistakes. It should not hinder your ability to safely navigate your residence floor without being spotted by an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or be seen in a compromising situation by the person you shared your deepest feelings with…then dumped.
Now this isn’t to say that your committing of floorcest led to a breakup of any kind, but then you have committed the second biggest mistake of your university career, getting into a relationship. That is for another discussion however. But for the remainder of this article, where you learn from my mistakes, suppose dumping had occurred and now you are stuck with an ex on the floor.
Now readers I must be completely honest with you. I have never committed floorcest to my knowledge, second year pending. But I draw from the unfortunate high-level experience of my floor and roommates.
Now, floorcest can be committed three different ways:
1. The One Nighter – Although most people would agree that the usual suspect of the one nighter would most likely be the popped-collar, fake tan, Aviator-wearing, muscle-bound, D-bag living loudly on your floor. Unfortunately, you are 50% correct. Every type of person can commit floorcest. Don’t think your exclusive. This type refers to the drunken one night stand, which occurs when two floor mates find themselves without partners from other floors or random locations. Symptoms include: feeling things for someone who you had zero interest in before, but for some reason they are getting more attractive by the second. Consequences include: counting this person out of being a friend, avoiding awkward small talk and eye contact in the hall as well as avoidance during parties. You will soon find you are spending more time away from Residence; this may not be a good idea for us poor students.
2. The Seasons Pass: And yes it does seem to be one season access only. For all-access pass see relationship. This is the, if you can call it a relationship, where two or more floor mates decide that searching for random partners and wasting valuable wooing time could be better spent with an already pre-determined ‘hook-up’. Unfortunately this will eventually decrease your time partying, decrease your Facebook friend-invites in the morning, decrease your motivation and increase your misplaced attachment to the significant other. These are not real relationships. They are business arrangements. They will eventually sizzle out and leave you with a very awkward feeling that you will get when you see the significant other and realize you can probably remember every detail about them with the lights off.
3. The Budding Relationship: It’s like looking up the word dictionary in the dictionary; you realize ahead of time that the outcome will probably not be as cool as you think.
The avoidance of floorcest is a very simple task, but requires a lot of self-restraint and will power. And even though most of this article consists of list, here is one for avoiding floorcest.
- Meet people from other floors and invite yourself to their parties
- Go to at least one keg-related or off-campus party and make friends all around
- Avoid seductive body language when first meeting your floor mates of the opposite gender
- For the guys: it’s a scientific fact that the female gender releases Oxytocin (a love-bonding sexual hormone) after being hugged for more than 20 seconds. Avoid hugging your floor mates for this length of time and floorcest will never be possible
- For the ladies: don’t talk to us, don’t look at us, don’t make any kind of arm movements around us because we will think you want us to have sex with you. Were very simply creatures, letting us know ahead of time that committing floorcest is a sin in your book, is a great way for us to abandon hope and move on.
- Avoid one-on-one situations. Were all adults, right, we can have one female and one male in a room without either one of them thinking about relationships, right? Wrong. There is no such thing as a real male/female friends-only relationship, so don’t test it.
Now like I said, I have had no personal experience with committing floorcest, but I do like to think I have a pretty good (based on quality and quantity of stories) understanding of how things work. I just want it understood that floorcest works like this: it will probably happen. Try your best to avoid it, but if it does then be prepared for your floor to become your hell and your parties to be by invitation only from now on.
Dear Readers, learn from my mistakes and avoid floorcest.
Until next time,
1. Sexual relations between two people who live on the same floor. Typically used in the context of college dorms. Generally frowned upon.
2. Sexual activity with those on your residence floor in a college dorm. Often leads to an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend living on your floor that you may or may not run into when you want to least (ie. drunk at 3am sick on the way to the bathroom)
Dear readers, I bring to your attention the biggest mistake you can ever make in your university career. This atrocity I speak of…is committing floorcest. Your residence career should be filled with fun, excitement, friendships, studying, peaceful environments to a certain extent, and sufficiently well planned bad mistakes. It should not hinder your ability to safely navigate your residence floor without being spotted by an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or be seen in a compromising situation by the person you shared your deepest feelings with…then dumped.
Now this isn’t to say that your committing of floorcest led to a breakup of any kind, but then you have committed the second biggest mistake of your university career, getting into a relationship. That is for another discussion however. But for the remainder of this article, where you learn from my mistakes, suppose dumping had occurred and now you are stuck with an ex on the floor.
Now readers I must be completely honest with you. I have never committed floorcest to my knowledge, second year pending. But I draw from the unfortunate high-level experience of my floor and roommates.
Now, floorcest can be committed three different ways:
1. The One Nighter – Although most people would agree that the usual suspect of the one nighter would most likely be the popped-collar, fake tan, Aviator-wearing, muscle-bound, D-bag living loudly on your floor. Unfortunately, you are 50% correct. Every type of person can commit floorcest. Don’t think your exclusive. This type refers to the drunken one night stand, which occurs when two floor mates find themselves without partners from other floors or random locations. Symptoms include: feeling things for someone who you had zero interest in before, but for some reason they are getting more attractive by the second. Consequences include: counting this person out of being a friend, avoiding awkward small talk and eye contact in the hall as well as avoidance during parties. You will soon find you are spending more time away from Residence; this may not be a good idea for us poor students.
2. The Seasons Pass: And yes it does seem to be one season access only. For all-access pass see relationship. This is the, if you can call it a relationship, where two or more floor mates decide that searching for random partners and wasting valuable wooing time could be better spent with an already pre-determined ‘hook-up’. Unfortunately this will eventually decrease your time partying, decrease your Facebook friend-invites in the morning, decrease your motivation and increase your misplaced attachment to the significant other. These are not real relationships. They are business arrangements. They will eventually sizzle out and leave you with a very awkward feeling that you will get when you see the significant other and realize you can probably remember every detail about them with the lights off.
3. The Budding Relationship: It’s like looking up the word dictionary in the dictionary; you realize ahead of time that the outcome will probably not be as cool as you think.
The avoidance of floorcest is a very simple task, but requires a lot of self-restraint and will power. And even though most of this article consists of list, here is one for avoiding floorcest.
- Meet people from other floors and invite yourself to their parties
- Go to at least one keg-related or off-campus party and make friends all around
- Avoid seductive body language when first meeting your floor mates of the opposite gender
- For the guys: it’s a scientific fact that the female gender releases Oxytocin (a love-bonding sexual hormone) after being hugged for more than 20 seconds. Avoid hugging your floor mates for this length of time and floorcest will never be possible
- For the ladies: don’t talk to us, don’t look at us, don’t make any kind of arm movements around us because we will think you want us to have sex with you. Were very simply creatures, letting us know ahead of time that committing floorcest is a sin in your book, is a great way for us to abandon hope and move on.
- Avoid one-on-one situations. Were all adults, right, we can have one female and one male in a room without either one of them thinking about relationships, right? Wrong. There is no such thing as a real male/female friends-only relationship, so don’t test it.
Now like I said, I have had no personal experience with committing floorcest, but I do like to think I have a pretty good (based on quality and quantity of stories) understanding of how things work. I just want it understood that floorcest works like this: it will probably happen. Try your best to avoid it, but if it does then be prepared for your floor to become your hell and your parties to be by invitation only from now on.
Dear Readers, learn from my mistakes and avoid floorcest.
Until next time,
Party Hard
Dear Readers, do not attempt unscheduled parties at university without first consulting these guidelines. I am a trained professional who as seen my way through many mistakes within my lifetime. This segment is so you may learn from these mistakes to better prepare yourself from the life you will be living over the next estimated four years.
A quote that will forever be engraved into my mind, which happens to be one of very few things I remember from FROSH week, went something like this. “Shark Week is seven days long on Discovery. But the day before they play shows all about sharks. As you will soon discover, FROSH mirrors this eight-day tradition. So my little Sonics, (our FROSH team) make every week like Shark Week”. Words I will live by for the rest of my life.
But let’s get down to business. You’re staring down FROSH in the face. Albeit blurry, and there may be two, but none the less ‘trying’ your best to stare it down. The next eight days, from Sunday to Sunday will define who you are for the rest of your university career.
Rule one: Make a party. Not find a party. I mean be the person who either has the knowledge of a party, or the one who creates a party. Now always remember, you’re here to learn. So don’t make your room the party room, this won’t pan out positively later on. My number one career-ending mistake during FROSH was to gather a bunch of drunk and eager first years to find a party, and failing to provide one.
Rule two: Define a party. And I say define because you will be constantly fighting a battle against your less-than-able-to-make-great-decisions other half. It’s FROSH, whether you decide to experiment with alcohol or not, your decisions will be impaired. So keep telling yourself: a get-together is eight close friends, a party is 20 well-selected, male to female ratio-conscious individuals. A mob is 50 drunk first years lead by a single second year who has deemed himself Moses (But enough about my life). So keep your parties simple and keep them under thirty people.
Rule three: And I cannot stress this enough. Tactics, tactics, tactics. Remember, if you want to be the person who hosts the party then you need to have a few tricks up your sleeves. Party on the first floor, and party near a window. This way you can easily see if Residence Security is approaching so you can hide the bottles and turn down the music. Party in a room and not in the common area. Residence rooms are very soundproof and they are designed this way for a reason. This reason is still unclear; it might have something to do with studying, but for now it’s purpose does not exceed the masking of loud music and shouting. Have a speaker system with a remote, no explanation necessary. Make friends with your Residence Floor Advisor. They’re people too, invite them. But invite them on a night they have to patrol on, so you can step up the intensity of the party after they leave without worry.
Rule four: Mingle! Parties can be gateways for many things. Meeting potential love interests, establishing reputations, but most importantly they are for you to have fun. The most intense party I have ever found myself in was in Penticton, British Columbia. Unfortunately, not a residence party, but it did consist of a few hundred university burn-outs who at the time all worked on the same ski hill. This party was one for the history books simply because (I found this out later) I had made it my duty to meet everyone at the party. I spent my night learning every person’s name and their relation to my brother, who also worked at the ski hill. And I can tell you by personal experience that the most rewarding feeling is waking up after a party only to find very many Facebook friend invites. Mingle! Trust me.
Rule five: Network your friends. It may sound cruel, but you’re at university with one thing in mind, the future. So here’s what you do. Acquire friends at parties with the following majors: political science, engineering, criminal law, journalism, business and finances, and English. In the future you will thus have a support system of person-who-gets-you-out-of-big-trouble, handyman, lawyer, free newspapers, accountant and finally a best friend.
Rule six: The most important rule to know, but the most frequently broken. Control your alcohol consumption. I cannot express how valuable alcoholic self-control is. As guys will soon find out, liquor will soon be their worst enemy if they’re looking for a female companion. And ladies, you will soon find out liquor will be your worst enemy if your not looking for a male companion. FROSH and parties are not all about drinking; they are about the aforementioned rules and examples.
So Dear Readers, make every week like it’s shark week. Learn from my mistakes. So hopefully you won’t end up at a random party, broom in hand, shouting “part the seas” whenever you find yourself in a bathroom. But you’ll hear more about my life next segment.
Until next time.
A quote that will forever be engraved into my mind, which happens to be one of very few things I remember from FROSH week, went something like this. “Shark Week is seven days long on Discovery. But the day before they play shows all about sharks. As you will soon discover, FROSH mirrors this eight-day tradition. So my little Sonics, (our FROSH team) make every week like Shark Week”. Words I will live by for the rest of my life.
But let’s get down to business. You’re staring down FROSH in the face. Albeit blurry, and there may be two, but none the less ‘trying’ your best to stare it down. The next eight days, from Sunday to Sunday will define who you are for the rest of your university career.
Rule one: Make a party. Not find a party. I mean be the person who either has the knowledge of a party, or the one who creates a party. Now always remember, you’re here to learn. So don’t make your room the party room, this won’t pan out positively later on. My number one career-ending mistake during FROSH was to gather a bunch of drunk and eager first years to find a party, and failing to provide one.
Rule two: Define a party. And I say define because you will be constantly fighting a battle against your less-than-able-to-make-great-decisions other half. It’s FROSH, whether you decide to experiment with alcohol or not, your decisions will be impaired. So keep telling yourself: a get-together is eight close friends, a party is 20 well-selected, male to female ratio-conscious individuals. A mob is 50 drunk first years lead by a single second year who has deemed himself Moses (But enough about my life). So keep your parties simple and keep them under thirty people.
Rule three: And I cannot stress this enough. Tactics, tactics, tactics. Remember, if you want to be the person who hosts the party then you need to have a few tricks up your sleeves. Party on the first floor, and party near a window. This way you can easily see if Residence Security is approaching so you can hide the bottles and turn down the music. Party in a room and not in the common area. Residence rooms are very soundproof and they are designed this way for a reason. This reason is still unclear; it might have something to do with studying, but for now it’s purpose does not exceed the masking of loud music and shouting. Have a speaker system with a remote, no explanation necessary. Make friends with your Residence Floor Advisor. They’re people too, invite them. But invite them on a night they have to patrol on, so you can step up the intensity of the party after they leave without worry.
Rule four: Mingle! Parties can be gateways for many things. Meeting potential love interests, establishing reputations, but most importantly they are for you to have fun. The most intense party I have ever found myself in was in Penticton, British Columbia. Unfortunately, not a residence party, but it did consist of a few hundred university burn-outs who at the time all worked on the same ski hill. This party was one for the history books simply because (I found this out later) I had made it my duty to meet everyone at the party. I spent my night learning every person’s name and their relation to my brother, who also worked at the ski hill. And I can tell you by personal experience that the most rewarding feeling is waking up after a party only to find very many Facebook friend invites. Mingle! Trust me.
Rule five: Network your friends. It may sound cruel, but you’re at university with one thing in mind, the future. So here’s what you do. Acquire friends at parties with the following majors: political science, engineering, criminal law, journalism, business and finances, and English. In the future you will thus have a support system of person-who-gets-you-out-of-big-trouble, handyman, lawyer, free newspapers, accountant and finally a best friend.
Rule six: The most important rule to know, but the most frequently broken. Control your alcohol consumption. I cannot express how valuable alcoholic self-control is. As guys will soon find out, liquor will soon be their worst enemy if they’re looking for a female companion. And ladies, you will soon find out liquor will be your worst enemy if your not looking for a male companion. FROSH and parties are not all about drinking; they are about the aforementioned rules and examples.
So Dear Readers, make every week like it’s shark week. Learn from my mistakes. So hopefully you won’t end up at a random party, broom in hand, shouting “part the seas” whenever you find yourself in a bathroom. But you’ll hear more about my life next segment.
Until next time.
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